Bob Link the 5th
by Hippie Spawn
Summary: Are Link and Zelda in love? Who is Li? Sephiroth vs. Goomba? Sephiroth vs. Demon King? Sephiroth vs. Cloud? And what kind of messed up crap goes on in your head!
1. Chapter 1

1"Link!" Zelda shouted angrily, "For the last time, LEAVE ME ALONE! You've been aggravating me for weeks now, and I told you: No!"  
"But, Zelda, I saved you multiple times from the hands of evil. Doesn't that at least deserve a kiss?"  
"I went into hiding for seven years, devoted myself to the study of battle and magic, went to hell and back again trying to convince the sages not to chuck you off a cliff and defeat Ganon on their own, and for what? So you can finally break his last nerve and have him go insane!"  
"Ah, what a sorry end to a worthy advocacy," Link admitted. "It was just too much for him, gaining ultimate power, being defeated, reincarnation, more being defeated. In the end his depression drove him off the edge."  
"Now why don't you go visit him in the hospital and bring some cookies, while I enjoy some time ALONE!" Zelda shouted nearly hysterically.  
"Ooh, cookies- wait a minute, you're trying to get rid of me, aren't you?"  
Zelda stopped with her back half turned away. "It's incredible. He finally realized it, after WEEKS."  
"Don't make me sing the song," said Link with his stupid grin.  
"No, please, don't."  
"I'll sing the song Say it, say yes, or I'll sing the song"  
"Uhg!"  
"I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour! I'll be there for you, like I've been there before!"  
"Eek!" shrieked Zelda. "Make it stop, my ears"  
"Just tell me why you won't go out with me," Link demanded. "Is it 'cause I still sleep with a stuffed hippo? Is it?"  
"You do?"  
"-because that one belongs to Mito, you know."  
"Look, Link," Zelda started, staring him face-to-face, "I just want a guy who's decent."  
Link looked up in time to see Navi the fairy floating down toward them. "What did I miss?" she asked sleepily. Nobody payed any attention, however.  
"It depends what you mean by decent," Link said defensively.  
"Considerate."  
"Hm. Uh, wha-"  
"Attractive."  
"Now, hold on a sec-"  
"There's nothing attractive about the state of your room, or your stuffed hippo."  
"I knew it-"  
"Smart."  
"Well. . ."  
Navi flew down and looked at Link firmly. "No."


	2. Chapter 2

1Meanwhile, in the Lost Woods, Saria had invited the other sages to a picnic where they were carrying on a conversation about the recent state of their "Hero of Time", or "Idiot of all Time", as they constantly called him. "I feel so sorry for Zelda," Saria said. "It is traditionally expected of her to marry the one who saved her. The poperatsi will be all over their case."  
"It's going to be one of those 'celeberaty marriages'," Ruto commented. I hope he goes after me finally after the divorce.  
Malon, arriving at a secret picnic with the bribe of cake, had taken a seat among the girls. "Dat dumb blon'," she cried in the middle of a bite. "He've suh a loser!"  
"Careful there, don't choke yourself," said Ruto uncaringly.  
Malon took a large gulp of milk. "Sorry. Anyway, if Zelda's going crazy because of him, why should you want to be next?"  
Ruto considdered that for a second, then replied, "She's the voice of reason. Reject!"  
All the sages promptly agreed to shove Malon back to Kakeriku, and that was the end of the discussion.

Now, after much bribery and complaining, the author finally bowed down to her friend's superiority and allowed her into the story. So here she is, wandering around in Hyrule. . . stuck in an empty hole. :D  
"WHAT!" shouted Li. "Why am I stuck in a hole? And why did you call me Li? I'm Kel- Li. . . arg!" Li began running around the inside of the hole until she came across something very hard. There was a very annoyed "Owe!" and a soft shattering sound.  
"What the-" Li suddenly noticed the contents of the now- broken pot. "It's a bomb!" she shouted happily. "Yey, yey, it's a bomb, me go splode something now! And- wait, how do I get out of this hole?"

Link had set off early in the morning on a very special mission. His purpose for the day was such: "I'm gonna visit Ganon, gonna eat some cookies! Yey, cookies!"  
As he skipped down the path to the recently made hospital, Link began singing a tune. "Mary had a lit-tle lamb who's niece was bright as her bow!" This concluded in the unfortunate death of several birds as their eardrums were blasted in a firey explosion.  
As Link skipped along up the road he began to worry that Ganon might not recognise him. Earlier that morning Zelda had rushed him out the door with a basket of cookies still in his red hooded pajamas. Link now felt very strange without his normal green tunic.  
Then, as he walked along the path, a shaddowy figure loomed behind a tree. It was the unsuspected figure of a wolf.


	3. Chapter 3

1Let us go back to Li, shall we?  
"Get me out of this hole!" Li shouted angrily.  
Me can't respond. _Silence.  
_"Yeah right, get your lazy in here!"  
Me still can't respond. Must stay out of storyline. But me can hlep.  
All of the sudden, a tall blond character dropped down into the hole. It looked suspiciously like-  
"Link!" Li ran over to give Link a big hug. "I'd recognise you anywhere with that green hat and tunic!" The figure was so startled that he fell over, and a wig fell unto the floor.  
Li saw the whole thing. "YOU LIAR, YOUR NOT LINK!" She picked up the bomb from earlier and chucked it at the figure, sending him flying out of the hole.  
"I want LINK!" shouted Li.  
The poor fake walked away sadly, looking for some health. "But I thought if you knew I was really Roy from Fire Emblem, you wouldn't like me."

Back in the hole, Li runs into a random tree. "I hate you tree, you're not Link!" She proceeded to tear a branch off and wack the crud out of the poor tree. Then she turned her back just in time to miss it opening two eyes and shedding a single large tear.  
Me: urg. Can't intervene. Stupid. Need reiforcements. Sigh. Maybe I can wait a bit until something comes up.

"Gyaaaa!" Link was running like a red bunny through the woods, being persuited by a huge wolf.  
The wolf, meanwhile, was panting heavily and swearing somehow in Hyrulian. "Stupid kid, just stop so I can ask you a stupid question!"  
Link stopped and considdered this, while the wolf huffed and puffed up the hill, acccidentally blowing down a wood house. "Morons, get some bricks!"  
"What do you want?" asked Link.  
"Are you miss hood?"  
"No."  
"Oh. Aren't you going to your grandmother's house to give her some goodies?"  
"No. I'm going to the hospital to bring my arch- nemesis some cookies. My cookies!" Link hugged the basket possesively.  
"Oh, I must have mistaken you for someone else,"the wolf explained. "I seem to be in a strange place, one I've never seen. Are you in fact a native here?"  
"No,"Link replied, "I live here. I don't think I'm a "native", whatever that is." He laughed at the idea, until the wolf informed him that he was a native.  
"Well,"Link offered, "D'you want to come visit Ganon with me?"  
"Okay."

And if you were wondering, while Link and the wolf make their way to the hospital, Li is still stuck in a hole. She is currently mopin around with the tree branch still in her hand, wacking the wall randomly.  
"YOU GET ME OUT A HERE NOW!"  
I cannot intervene. I gave her plenty of hints allready.  
"What hints? A bomb, a clown, and a tree?"  
-cough-the tree, the tree-cough-"What about it? It's just a stupid tree-" Li glanced over at the tree and saw the large tear falling from half-closed eyes. "What the-"  
WHAM!  
"Oweee! The tree just hit me!"  
You hit me first  
"Now its talking to me. Just great. If only I had something to climb on to get out of here. Like a ladder, or some footholes, a rope. . ."  
-cough-THE TREE-cough-  
"We can all hear you. Wait- I could climb the tree."  
-norom-  
"You spelled it backwards."  
-tinrad.-  
"I'm getting out of here now. Bye." Li proceeded to finally climb the tree. However, this is a very large and smooth tree, so we shall leave her to that for a while.


	4. Chapter 4

1So, Link and the wolf are currently going to the hospital with cookies for Ganon. The wolf arrives half-dead from having to listen to Link's view of the world for the entire trip, but they are now there in one piece. Let us see what they do.

Link entered the hospital with enthusiasm. He could hardly wait to eat all those cookies. The wolf had never been in a hospital before, so he was considderably nervous.  
The nice lady at the front desk directed them to the room Ganon was in. They assured Link that he had taken his medication recently, and warned him that the once-evil bad-guy would be a bit tired for about a half hour.  
When the two entered the room, they saw a pleasent, clean room with a white bed, white walls, white curtains, and a large portrait of a muffin. The nurse who had led them there informed Link that the portrait had been a request of Ganon's, mistaking Link for the brighter of the two life-forms. Link's old rival looked up from the position he had been in with his back to the wall, sending Link into shock.  
"You have grey hair!" Link shouted mockingly. The nurse calmly reminded him that this was a hospital, and he should please refrain from shouting. This had little effect.  
"Ha! Wait till Zelda hears this!"  
"Yes, well," replied Ganon, his usual powerful monotone dampened, "Truth be known, I'm getting old, and dying it red seemed so useless once I retired. No need for such rough impressions." This sudden calm response would have taken anyone else aback. But remember, this is Link.  
"Oh. Okay. Want some cookies? Zelda made them."  
The once-dark lord looked up, faintly bored, and replied, "They have sugar in them, I suppose? I really shoudn't eat extra sugar, it's bad for my blood preassure."  
Link looked plainly overjoyed, and set about emptying the basket ravenously. The wolf decided that he didn't much like cookies, and went outside to look for squirrels. Ganon was not at all impressed with Link's appearent IQ, but he kept it to himself.  
"So, hero of time, what have you been doing all this time? Have you gotten together with that blond of yours?" Ganon finally asked.  
"O, nut willy. See duvn't like m'." Link tried to talk, eat cookies, and feel sorry for himself. Needless to say it didn't work very well.  
Ganon sighed. "Would you like to take a walk?" he asked.  
"Okay. Let's go find the wolf."

In case you were wondering, let us see what Roy has been doing. He has found reasons to be fully unappreciative of the situation.  
Roy wandered around through the strange grassy plains. He saw a castle up ahead, but he had no idea what he should do. Perhaps the owner was unfreindly. So he decided to go find some health after the incident with the bomb. This was proving to be challenging. Finally, Roy saw a lone villager out in the feild.  
"Excuse me," Roy asked, "How do you find health in this place? I'm from. . . somewhere else."  
"If you lose health, to revive yourself you need to find a red potion or a heart. You can find hearts in bushes or rocks."  
"You can't be serious," Roy replied blankly. "I'm supposed to go around chopping _bushes_, and you say that health is just going to fall out?"  
The stranger began to repeat his message, and Roy quickly ran away. He came across a row of bushes growing in a perfect circle. Roy was in half a mind to be disbeleiving, but he needed health.  
After one short chop, the entire bush exploded, and a small red heart appeared. "What's this? This isn't health. Where's my health bar?" Roy looked up at the top of the screen to see 3 hearts in the top left corner. two of them seemed to be empty. "WHERES MY HEALTH!"  
He got so angry that he went up and tried to wack the heart on the ground. The unsuspecting red object was quickly absorbed. Now only one heart was unfilled. "$#&$!"


	5. Chapter 5

1Zelda, meanwhile, had met up with the sages, and Nabooru was bringing some bamboo poles for sword practice. "It's about time I get some practice," Zelda mentioned. "With Link around, I can hardly get any time to myself."  
"Girl, I don't know how you survived," Malon replied, who once again had bribed here way into a secret meeting with cookies.  
"Yeah, it gets pretty tedious sometimes. And to think: They want me to MARRY him."Zelda closed her eyes in horror. "I'm just glad I still have my girlfriends to keep me company. Link should be back at the castle soon, but he has no clue where I am."

At that exact moment, Link happened to be on a walk with his old enemy through a very lovely rose garden. Ganon was tired of listening to him allready, and the wolf chose not to be discovered. Link however was skipping around happily and smelling the flowers.  
Finally, Ganon said rather annoyedly, "So, Link, how would you like to go out somewhere? Out of here, I mean. Somewhere in Hyrule?"  
"Okay!"  
"-cough- moron! -cough-" said the wolf.  
"Was that tree just talking?"  
"-no-"  
"Oh, okay then. Let's go to the castle." Link began leading Ganon past the gates and out into Hyrule, informing the guards that "We're going to my place, don't worry. Nothing could happen." These must be some stupid guards.

As they walked along the grassy feilds, Ganon greatly felt homesick for his castle. 'I just have to get rid of this moron,' he thought. "Hey, Link, why don't you go up to the castle and see Zelda? I'm sure she'll be happy to see you."  
"Okay!" Link skipped up toward the castle.  
"That was disturbingly easy," muttered Ganon. He decided not to ask, instead beginning the short walk to his hideout.(He does have a castle, because I said so!) However, Link never made it to the castle.


	6. Chapter 6

1Back to Li: Li is currently puffing and cursing her head off, trying to climb the tree. At last, victory was near.  
"YES, I CLIMBED THE STINKING TREE!" Li put one hand on the grassy earth of Hyrule. . . shouted a glad cry. . . and-  
"YAAAAAAA!"  
BOOM! "Oof!"

A few minutes later, Li awoke on the bottom of the hole. "$&$!" She spent a few minutes cursing the hole, and all of its existance, then noticed two unconsious figures on the ground. One looked like a wolf. The other seemed to be-  
"LINK!" Li ran up to him, as he began to wake up. She was about to hug him, but had a better idea. _SMACK_!  
"Owe, what was that for?" Link asked sleepily.  
"YOU KNOCKED ME OUT OF THE TREE AND NOW WE'RE STUCK IN A HOLE!"  
"Erm, where am I?"  
"IN A STINKING HOLE!"  
"Oh. . . um. . ."  
"Okay," Li started, trying to remain calm, "Now we'll have to start climbing the tree again. And most likely someone else will come along and nock us down, but we'd better try anyway." So they started climbing. The wolf woke up and ran up the tree and out the top in a split second, making Li so annoyed she lost her ballence and fell on Link, dropping back to the bottom.  
"Oooowee," Li groaned. "My head. Link use your ing long shot."  
"Where am I?" _SMACK_ "Oowe."

Roy walked up a rocky hillside and saw the side of a steep cliff, overlooking a ravine. On either cliffside there was half of a broken bridge. "How am I supposed to deal with this now?"  
He heard a soft clucking sound, and saw a white creature at his foot. "Hey, it's a chicken." He poked it. It continued clucking. "Cool, it didn't do anything. I wonder what would happen if I hit it with my sword."  
_WHACK_. "Cluck." "Cool, it didn't do anything." _WACK. WACK. WACKWACKWACKWAKC-  
_The chicken turned red and started making a strange squaking sound. "What-" Roy was very confused.  
"- AAAAAHHHHH!" Large herds of angry birds started chasing poor Roy around the cliff edge. "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-" _SPLASH_.  
Roy was sent flying headfirst off the edge of the cliff and into the ravine. He hit the water and surfaced to see the chickens had gone away, leaving the single one still clucking randomly.  
The current was very swift, and he soon found himself in a lake with an island in the center. On the island was a young lady, danglling her feet in the water. She looked very happy to be there.

Li had finally made it out of the hole with Link, and quickly ditched him as soon as possible. Then she strolled about Hyrule, happy as could be. "I know my way around here and everything. This is so cool." She decided to go to Lake Hylia and see the Zoras.  
At Lake Hylia, it was a very long swim to the island, and when Li finally got there she decided to take a break. The water was cool, and the island was perfect. Li couldn't think of anything to make this day go wrong.All the sudden, she saw a figure speeding towards her in the water, carried by the current. It looked rather red and blue, possibly a boy. And as he got nearer, and in fact washed up on the island, she noticed who it was.  
"OH MY GOD ITS ROY!" Li nearly suffocated him before she let go. "How did you get here?"  
Roy opened one eye and grumbled, "Oh, no, it's you. Please don't blow me up again! I'm sorry, have mercy!"  
Li thought back to the hole. "Oh, how could I be so stupid! But why were you dressed like Link?"  
"I thought you would like the Hero of Time better than me," Roy mumbled uncomfortably.  
"Link? I wouldn't swap him for you if my life depended on it," Li said senserely.  
"R-r-really?" As their eyes met, the sun was setting, and they drew closer. And then-  
"WAAAAaaaaa- oof." _SPLASH_.  
Roy landed once more in the lake. And on the island, lay a very confused and unconsious being.  
"Yaarg!" Li proceeded to beat the dude consious. "YOU MORON, YOU NOCKED MY GUY INTO THE LAKE!"_WACK_.  
This fellow let out a groan, and Li then noticed it was-  
"Cloud?"  
-stop interrupting me-  
"Oh, shut it. It's Cloud!" Li stopped wacking him and gave him a hug.  
"What about me?" Roy asked, swimming to shore. Nobody noticed him.  
Cloud, for it was him, looked down at the being hugging him and his eyes turned wide. "EEEK DON'T HURT ME!"  
Li rolled her eyes. "So now I'm suddenly some sort of crazy warrior, and Cloud from Final Fantasy, who just fell on Roy's head, is afraid of me? What kind of world is this? Wait- where'd Roy go?"  
"I agree, where are we?" asked Roy, trudging up to the middle of the island, sopping wet."  
"Beats me," Cloud replied.  
Just then, Link came running up the hill, dragging the wolf behind. "THERE YOU ARE!" he shouted. "I FOUND YOU LI! I KNEW YOU MIGHT NEED MY HELP, SO HERE I AM. I'LL COME AND SWIM OVER THERE."  
"Who's that?" asked Cloud.  
"Never mind," Li replied, "Let's get out of here." She started getting into the water, then thought aloud, "Wait, I don't think I can hold my breath along to go where I had in mind."  
"I can hold my breath fairly long," Cloud said.  
"I suppose I can as well," Roy added.  
"Well, I can't." Link was coming up to them, and Li made a decision. She jumped on Link and robbed him of his Zora tunic.  
"Come on, let's go." Li lead the way down into the freezing water. The Zora at the door welcomed them in, and they appeared in a room full of air.  
"How is there air here?" Cloud asked.  
"Stop thinking so realistically," Roy scorned.  
They heard a nock on the door, and the Zora went to open it. Li peered through the window to the side and saw Link, wearing a blue tunic. He was holding a sign that read,

I'M GLAD YOU COULD MAKE GOOD USE OF MY SPARE ZORA TUNIC. GOOD THING I ALLWAYS KEEP 2 WITH ME. NOW I CAN COME WITH YOU.


	7. Chapter 7

1"Don't open the door!" Li shouted to the Zora.  
"Why not? Our doors are open to all."  
"Because-erm-it's- Ganon. Don't let him in!" Li finally replied. This had an unfortunate side-effect that she hadn't planned for.  
"GANON! EVERYONE HIDE, INVASION!"  
"No-I mean- that's not-"  
All the Zoras stopped what they were doing and ran around in panic. Li looked out the window and saw Link with his sign. He turned it around, and now it said,

WHATS GOING ON?

"Grrr," replied Li.  
He turned his sign once more, proving right those who refuse to admit that there are only two sides to a sign.

DO YOU NEED A HUG?

"Grrrr, LINK GET AWAY FROM THE WINDOW!"  
At that moment, the Zoras looked out the window as well and noticed that it was Link. "That's not Ganon," the Zora at the door said, annoyed. "You should not lie to the Zoras. Go away from here now." He motioned toward the other door out, and let Link in. Li and the others were about to run for it, when Cloud saw something in the window.  
"Who's that?"  
Li looked over. It was Ganon! "RUN EVERYBODY! ITS GANON! RUN!"  
"Yeah right," said the Zora, not looking. He pushed them forcefully out the back door and they floated up unto the shore.  
"Oh, $!"  
"I wonder what will happen to the Zoras," said Roy.  
"Do you think the green boy will be okay?" asked Cloud.  
"Oh, he had better not be okay," replied Li.

Zelda was in a very good mood today. She hadn't seen Link sense this morning, and she was now sitting calmly, watching Ruto and Nabooru practice with bamboo poles. Her turn was next.  
"This is great," said Malon contentedly. "Relaxing and all, just us girls."  
"Malon, why are you always here?" asked Zelda.  
"Well, there's nobody else in all of Hyrule who could possibly be as intiresting as you guys. I mean: all the villagers are plainly stupid, and Romona is still convinced the aliens are coming to steal the cows. I say 'Good riddance'. I'm sick of milk already."  
"Hm," replied Zelda understandingly. "I can hardly get out anymore with that idiot around. If he followed me to one of our meetings, it would be like smashing a brick through Nabooru's glass vase. I'd be kicked out."  
"So how did you get him to leave you alone?"  
"Oh, I told him to go bring some cookies to Ganon in the hospital. I figure he'll have eaten them all himself, but at least it gave me a chance to get away. Now I feel sorry for Ganon."  
"I heard he was more normal now that he's on medication," Malon mentioned. "I wonder what he's like now. . .""Well, you can't exactly ask Link. He's so stupid he wouldn't know it was his old enemy unless you told him." Zelda suddenly thought of a calm, senseful Ganon taking advantage of the not-so-smart "hero". "Nah," she said to herself.


	8. Chapter 8

1Meanwhile, Li, with her two companions, were up on land once more, and on an important mission.  
"I'm sick of not having a weapon," Li complained. "Let's go chop up some random senseless enemies and get some stuff." She looked over at Roy. "Roy, give me your sword!"  
"Yes, ma'am." He said quickly, handing it over.  
Li grabbed at the sword. It weighed so much that she dropped it. "Yow, my foot!"  
She picked up the sword again, and with great effort, made her way over to a shaking plant thing. She managed to pull the weapon over her head and bash in the plant's head. It dissapeared, and up popped-  
"Deku nuts."   
-stop interrupting me!-  
"It gave me _deku nuts_." Li wanted to wack something very hard, but ended up dropping the sword. She gave up, and let Roy retrieve it. Li picked up the deku nuts and chucked one at another random shrub thing. It gave here deku sticks. "Alright, lets go kill as many random things as we can find," Li suggested. "There's no way I can survive here with a few deku nuts and a stick."  
They continued their quest of wacking random enemies until the group had found 5 deku sticks, 3 hearts, 20 arrows, which they could not use, and 10 bombs, sending Roy running maniacly into the bushes, where he ran into a plant thing and nocked out several hearts. This lead to more wacking of random enemies, pointedly Roy wacking the crud out of the one he ran into.  
Eventually, the group got tired of wacking random enemies. "What now?" asked Li.  
"Well," said Cloud, "I'm surprised we don't have anything better to do. I mean: Aren't we supposed to have some princess to save or a battle to fight?"  
"You would think so," Roy agreed.  
"Well, let's go find Zelda," Li suggested. "Maybe she'd be more intiresting than Link- wait, where is he?"  
They now realise that they left all the Zoras and the Hero of Time in Ganon's hands.  
"I hope he got captured by Ganon," said Li.  
"If he did, we'll have to go rescue him, won't we."  
"Cloud, why do you have to be the voice of reason?"

When they reached Lake Hylia, Zoras were washed up on the shore moaning. Li was horror-struck. "What happened?" she asked one of them.  
"It was terrible. Awefuly horrible. I dare not describe it." The Zora lay moaning, and refused to answer any more questions.  
To make things worse, Li heard a faint voice growing louder as it came. The voice, unforgettably disturbing, said this: "LI! I KNEW I WOULD FIND YOU! HERE I AM!"  
Li groaned. The Zoras groaned. Roy, who had by now understood that Link was a moron, also groaned. Cloud waved, then shouted out in pain as his outstreached arm was met with a very hard deku stick.

Now, back to Zelda. The secret meeting of the sages was at a close, and Zelda had started home. She groaned inwardly at the thought of seeing Link awaiting her at the castle.  
"Hm. Maybe I should go stay with Malon for a while. I don't feel like going up to the castle."  
-No you don't your messing with my plot line-  
"What? Oh well, probably nothing."  
zappedy"I think I'll go up to the castle now to see Link."  
wink


	9. Chapter 9

1Now we shall see how our star is doing. That's right- me, the author.:D Link is currently getting his head bashed in by me bff, so I'll leave him to that. Now I'm sure you are all wondering what I've been doing. Am I going to bring in more favorite random charachters? Do I have my own? Who is Li?  
Well, let me approach these: I have been calmly messing with the heads of every popular game charachter imaginable, in the setting of Hyrule. I may or may not bring in other charachters, and that's for me to know(or not know yet) and you to find out. I do have my own characters; they're all locked up in some notebook of another story. Once again, wheather I shall introduce any is for me to know(or not know yet) and you to find out.  
Finally, about Li. Li is my real life bff, and her name is-  
"YAAAARG!" "AHHH!- owe."  
"LI GET OFF OF ME!"  
"You can't tell them that. That's against the rules."  
"And I follow those rules why?"  
"Because I still have 4 deku nuts left, and they're plenty hard."  
"Oh, fine. mumblemumble. . ."

Li, Cloud, and Roy had moved on, though only Li really knew where they were going. Link, unfortunately, had not been avoided this time, so he was very quietly making their lives uncomfortable to the extreme.  
"Hey, guys, know what day it is?"  
Li groaned. Roy groaned. Cloud, who finally got the gist of it, groaned.  
"Aren't you going to guess?"  
"Monday," offered Cloud.  
"Garbage day," Roy suggested, emphasising the "garbage" toward Link.  
"No," replied Li.  
"It's opposite day," Link shouted out happily.  
"Good," replied Li. "Why don't you start walking in the 'opposite' direction of the rest of us."  
By this time, however, they had reached the castle gate. Link forgot all about opposite day, and ran up toward the castle. "Yay, we're going to see Zelda!"  
_I hope she has some answers,_ thought Li. They proceeded to the castle in the hope that someone there could help them figure out what was going on. Only Cloud registered the fact that Link had seen what Ganon had done, and seemed undisturbed. He personally disregarded this fact, because most likely they didn't want to know.

Up at the castle, Zelda was having a perfect day. She had gone out with her friends, without Link finding their hiding place, and when she got home he was still gone. She wondered briefly if Ganon had somehow gotten out and gone into hiding. She hoped he captured Link.  
The princess went upstairs, sighed happily, and went to take a shower. It was at that moment that she heard a guard call: "M'lady, there are visitors. They come with the Hero of Time. -m'lady?"  
Zelda threw on a towel and poked her head out the door. "Tell them to wait a minute!" She considdered her options. Running out the window in a towel did not seem like a good one, especially sense there was no window in the bathroom. It did seem adventurous in concept.  
To make things worse, she heard Link shouting, "Hey, Zelda, I know you must have missed me! I'm back!"  
This made the urge to jump out of the non-existant window even worse. -At this point, I feel sorry for the poor princess.-  
poof  
Zelda looked over at the blank white wall, and found it to be no longer blank. "A window? In the middle of the castle? That should lead to a broom closit if it's at all real. She looked at the window. The shades were down. Zelda opened the shades and peered through it to see the most amazing sight that had met her eyes in a long time: It _was_ the broom closit.


	10. Chapter 10

1Several minutes later, on the other side of the strange window sat a very nearly insane princess, sitting in her broomclosit paradise. She giggled. Link would never find her now. Now, she was safe. And in this broom closit, it would be nearly as lovely as her own room, because here, there was no Link.

Li was leading the group through the castle, up toward Zelda's room. They passed a small, very purposeless-looking door, from which several slight giggles came. The boys didn't seem to hear it, but Li was in a mind to find out what it was.  
The door swung open to reveal Zelda. Li's first impression was that she was extremely drunk, but on closer inspection it was clear she had lost her marbles. The sight was simply disturbing; the famed princess of Hyrule, sitting in a broom closit in a towel, giggling her head off. When she saw Link, however, she let out a shrill scream and fled.  
"Well," said Li, "That was helpful." She watched Zelda fleeing down the hallway and made no attempt to follow.  
"But what now?" asked Cloud. "If the princess went insane, who will tell us what to do? There has to be someone in this place who isn't a complete moron!" He looked faintly upset. This was messing with his sense of reason.  
"I don't know who it is then," Li replied. "It sure seems like she finally went off her rocker. A bit overdue if you ask me."  
"Don't worry," said Link heroically. "I'll save the day!"  
A low growling came from deep inside Li's throught. Before she could process these incoherent words into action, Roy opened the window and proceeded to chuck Link out of it.  
A stunned silence proceeded. And was followed by another stunned silence. And a half of another stunned silence, before,  
"You fool, do you have any idea what you have done?" Cloud whispered, turning pale. "You just killed the Hero of Time! Everyone in Hyrule is going to chase you in angry mobs!"  
Roy seemed not to care. Li for once was shocked. She had to agree with Cloud. And if Roy was going psycho-maniac, and she was agreeing with Cloud, and Link was actually gone for good, it was surely the end of the world.  
As all this was being processes through the very confused heads of the three strangers, Link appeared exactly where he was before Roy had chucked him out the window. He looked around.  
Li blinked. Roy blinked. Cloud blinked. Roy blinked again. Cloud blinked agian. Li, however, finally found words. "Link, you moron, what did you do!"  
"I think I'm dead."  
"You'd better not be!"  
"Oh. You all are here too. Hi." _SMACK_! "Owe."  
Then it dawned on Li. He was Link. What happens when Link dies. "Of course. You're the main character. It's not real. You _can't_ die."  
"What?" said Roy.  
"What?" said Cloud.  
"I'VE BEEN LIVING A LIE!" Link cried. "I have no reason to live." He picked up his sword and thrust it into himself. He wilted to the ground, and after a few minutes got up again. "Arg, it didn't work!" This process was repeated several more times.


	11. Chapter 11

1Well, now, I can't have this. Mmm. . . -ah, sorry, eating chocolate. _Sugar high_. . .he, he. Now, ahem, I have something I need to do. If only I can rip myself away from the numerous piles of Halloween candy. . .

3 hours later:

Darn. Out of sugar. Gots to get some more. . . grabs brother's candy bucket

5 hours later:

Hm. Now, there was something I had to do wans't there? Maybe I was going to go buy some more sugar.

12 hours later:

I should have gone to sleep by now. Oh well, too much sugar high. But now I'm out of candy. Guess I'd better. . .  
------------------------------------------------------

Zap  
"What were we doing?" asked Li.  
"I don't remember," Cloud and Roy replied at the same time.  
"Who am I?" said Link.

Some people may wonder, in a time of crisis, what are the sages doing? Are they looming over a seeing stone? Preparing for the worst? Thinking of a plan? Well, at the moment, the sages are at another secret meeting.  
"_Dari_ game!" Shouted Nabooru. She was playing pong, and not very well. "And where is Zelda? It's not like her to be late."  
Ruto was eating pie that Malon had made. "Mmfa meef ishwit insh n flur hfusie."  
Nabooru stared blankly. "What?"  
Malon, who appearently understood this, blushed. "Ruto, you moron, you have a sick head."  
"What did she say?" asked Nabooru.  
"Never mind. Want some pie?"  
"Ooh, pie!"

Link was finally recovering, unfortunately. Li decided that whatever they had just discovered and forgotten must not have been important. They wandered through Hyrule aimlessly now.  
Roy and Cloud were arguing over something that Li thought very pointless, but she made no comment.  
"My bad guy is way worse than yours," Cloud said. "He would seriously beat anyone you can think of."  
"Not true!" Roy replied defensively. "I had to fight the Demon King." He looked up at the others who were all disbelieving. "Well, maybe I didn't but my friend did." Nobody looked very impressed. "Well, he'd beat your bad guy any day!"  
"Oh yeah?" said Cloud, annoyed. "Well, if we could see this for real, you'd see that my bad guy is way better than your Demented King."  
This caused several more outbursts, but we hardly need to listen to this any longer to get the gist of it.

In some alternate universe far away, Sephiroth fell hard on the groung. "Urg," he moaned. "Where am I?" He looked around and saw cartoon grass, blue sky, clouds that seemed to have faces, and some small squat little brown things walking around. "Oh, &$$#. Where am I?"  
A few yards away, on the other side of a hill, a vey large, very evil looking figure fell from the sky, landing on a group of hard-shelled creatures and squashing them. "Owe, my head." He got up and saw the squished hard-shelled things that he had landed on. He saw the green grass and the blue sky and the strange clouds smiling down at him. "&$$#!"  
Sepheroth heard this loud booming word, in a very evil tone and thought, _'Wow, finally something that's not marshmellows and bunnies. I've got to see this.'  
_On the other side of the hill, Sephiroth was nearly happy. He managed to keep his cool, but still approached the figure with a sigh of relief. This other person was enormous, nearly twice his own height. It towered over all the cute fluffy life forms and took the sunlight out of the place. "Finally, someone decent in this mess of a place," Sephiroth said.  
"Who the hell are you?" asked the stranger rather rudely.  
"Someone who is not liking the scenery."  
"Hm. Sounds like the most sensible thing I've heard in a while. What are those stupid liittle brown things?"  
"I don't know."  
"Well, they look too squat and cute for me. What d'you say we go and squash a few random squishy things?"  
"I think that would be lovely."


	12. Chapter 12

1Link was having a good day. He didn't remember what he was doing, but surely that meant that he was okay. They were just walking along the grassy hills looking as if they were completely lost.  
"So, erm," said Cloud, "What are we doing?"  
"Ah. . . I guess we're looking for Zelda," replied Li. She wasn't exactly sure herself. "Maybe we should be looking for someone sane. If Zelda went crazy, who is keeping the world from collapsing?"  
"Don't worry, I'll save us!" said Link, posing with his sword.  
"We're all doomed," said Roy. "And why do I feel like pushing Link out of a window? We're in the middle of a field."  
They started walking into Kokiri Forest for no particular reason. Up in a random corner of some random place there was a tree.  
-don't ask me how they got there from Hyrule Field, I'm bored okay.-  
Li saw the enormous tree and the light suddenly dawned. "That's it- this is the last sane person in the world- it's the Deku Tree."

"What?" said Cloud.  
"What?" said Roy.  
"Hi," said Link. "I'm Link."  
The large tree boomed a response, "Hello brave Hero of Time. You have done well to make it this far. Your quest will be perilous, but perhaps I can guide you."  
"Why are you talking to him?" asked Li. "He's a moron."  
"O, just some stupid thing I have to say every time he appears," responded the tree. "I don't suppose he ever takes notice of it now."  
Link was currently looking at a rock and reciting something vaugely like poetry to it.  
Cloud and Roy had resumed their argument, neither of them suspecting that the two foes could be friends, or as close to friends as ultimate evils get.  
"Well, the Demon King is twice as tall as any one person," defended Roy.  
"Sepheroth is a looming figure in shadow."  
"Demon King is huge and evil, and he's the demon _KING_. Obviously he is the ultimate evil, and he'd beat your pathetic advocary."  
"The Demon King isn't even _your_ enemy!"  
"But he'd cream any bad guy you know."  
"Okay," said Li, who couldn't take much more of this, "You two, shut up!"  
"Yes ma'am," they said at the same time.  
"Right, so. . ." Li found she could not tell what they were supposed to do next. "Hey, Deku Tree, what do we do?"  
"How should I know?" asked the tree. "You don't really think that _I'm_ the most intelligent person in Hyrule. Go see the princess Zelda."  
All three people were very nervous for a second. "Erm. . ." even Cloud didn't really know what to say.  
"Um," said Li faintly, "Er, she kindof. . . lost her marbles."  
"We're all domed," said the Deku Tree.  
"Oh, great," Roy exclaimed. "That's helpful."  
"Maybe we should stop asking for help and just go find Ganon by ourselves. It's not like we can bring the tree with us."  
"Cloud, shut up."  
"Yes ma'am."


	13. Chapter 13

1"So, what now?" boomed a large deep voice, killing several cute fluffy birds. "We've been killing random stupid puffy things for a while, now where's something evil we can take over? Or some random princess that we can capture? I mean, I'm used to focussing on world domination and getting out of mind traps, not puffy brown thing killing."  
"Puffy brown thing killing," mused Sephiroth. "And what exactly shall we do, Charles?"

-and the audience gasps. yes, indeed, the truth reveals. The Demon King, supposed ultimate evil, does in fact have a name, and that is. . . Charles.-

We can now see the steam rising from two very large and very evil ears. "What did you call me!"  
"Charles. Or if you preffer Charles William Stub the Second, I can quite understand."  
Fire seemed to shoot out of a very large and evil mouth, and the enormous figure of- ehem- Charles William Stub the Second attempted to squash Sephiroth under his incredible weight. Sephiroth easily avoided it, and hit his foe over the head with a stick.

Cloud cheers from the croud, and Roy groans. Link was stuffing popcorn in his extraordinarily large and unpleasent mouth.

Charles turned red in anger and threw some random short brown enemy at Sephiroth, who quickly slashed it in half with his sword very stylishly. This throwing of goombas (don't tell me you havn't realised it by now) was followed by a throwing of random koopas, paratroopas, shy guys, and rocks. Needless to say it didn't have much effect.

Roy was very dismayed. Cloud was cheering and rubbing it in his face.

Sephiroth was becoming slightly amused. This throwing of random enemies was quite pathetic, and it was making him look good. He dodged a shy guy, caught a koopa and threw it back, hitting his foe in the head and nocking him down. This made Sephiroth very excited, and he didn't even notice as a blooper was chucked rather aimlessly toward him.  
_BLUB_. "Gyaaa!" A very large blubbery thing stuck to the head of an overly vain Sephiroth. "Groff!" It seemed to have landed right on his head, and was attempting to squirt large globs of sludge at him.  
Sephiroth ran around in circles screaming his head off for a minute, then finally picked up a stick and smacked the creature with it. _BLUB_. It jiggled around for a second and proceeded to stick to the stick. Sephiroth ran around screaming a bit more and finally chucked the stick far out into the distance.

"Yes!" shouted Roy. "Score for me!"  
Cloud groaned loudly.

Sephiroth was clearly appalled. How could he, the agreed most evil foe in the universe, be hit by a blubbery creature and so profoundly lose his cool? It was disturbing. And the one who had so caringly thrown a blubbery thing at Sephiroth's face was now doing a victory dance. How pathetic.  
The Demon King was indeed doing something that look a bit like a victory dance. It would be better described as what looked like a black whale jumping up and down in glee. Then he fell and hit his head on a rock and jumped up again in pain.  
This was all very upsetting to Sephiroth. Surely he should not lose his cool to this stupid being who was acting about as smart as the blubbery thing off in the distance. What was his secret?"Oh, Charles?"  
"Haha I beat you I win I win I-" _WHAM_! "Youchies! I surrender!"  
"Charles, my friend, how would you like to go on an expedition?"  
"A whosie whatsit?"  
"Let's go."  
"Yah, my arm! Let go of me, or I'll defeat you again. I said-" _GLARE_. "Okay. Where to?"  
"Let's go find something that isn't all marshmellow and pink."  
"Sounds good to me. Then can we find something to eat?" SMA-  
"Oh, _allright_. Grr. . ."


	14. Chapter 14

1-This is so fun.:D me eating pie from Thanksgiving Mm, pie-  
"Now, just wait a second," said Li, "How are Roy and Cloud there?"  
-mm, pie-  
"And why am I not?"  
-licks fingers Mm, pie.-  
"ANSWER ME DEMMIT!"  
-Hmm. . . pie good. Need more pie. . .-  
"GYAAAAARGG!"  
-Ouchies! Grroff me!-  
"Wait a second. How am I in the story and attacking you at the same time? And why are Roy and Cloud in Mario World? And how do I know where Roy and Cloud are? . . . . . arg, my head."  
-need first aid-  
"Answer me!"  
-zappedy-

"Okay, guys, where should we go next?" asked Li.  
"Dunno," said Roy. "I guess we should look for Zelda."  
"What were we just doing?" asked Cloud.  
"Walking," responded Link stupidly.

- . -

The sky was now getting dark, and Li mugged Link for his lantern. As they trudged down a grassy hill in the dusk, they saw a very odd bush. For one thing, the bush was much larger than the small squat things that carried treasures. It was large and lumpy and nearly 2/3 Li's own height. Stranger still, this bush seemed to be moving faintly. And every now an then, it emitted a very small giggle.  
Li dragged Link away from the bush. "Link, I need you to do something. This will save us a lot of trouble. Please, I need you to. . . erm. . . find my. . . um. . . dress. Yeah, ah, the one I brought with me. It should be in the middle of nowhe- I mean, Lake Hylia. Yeah. Really deep underwater somewhere. And don't come back until you find it. Can you do this?"  
"Don't worry, I'll save you!" said Link, and ran off toward the lake.  
Li was extremely relieved. "That was disturbingly easy. Cool." She went back to the bush. Roy and Cloud were sitting down staring at the bush.  
The bush emitted a giggle, and Li walked up to it. She pulled off her jacket and the blue zora tunic that she'd stolen from link. "Roy! I need a pair of pants or a skirt or something."  
Roy stumpled. "I don't have any spares. . ."  
"Well, I need one like now!"  
"Erm. . ." said Roy, "Why don't you ask Cloud?"  
"I don't carry a skirt around with me y'know," Cloud replied sharply.  
They were still arguing five minutes later, when Link came running up. "Hey, I think I found it." He held up a small blue dress. "One of the zoras had it. She tried to trick me, and said it was hers. Didn't fool me." Link grinned smugly.  
"Link, you moron!" Li grabbed the dress and headed for the bush.  
"It's waterproof too," said Link, not listening. "You have a nice dress. No wonder the zora lady stole it from you. But I got it back. You can always trust me!"  
Li moved over to the bush and ducked behind it, carrying the dress and her jacket. She decided to keep the zora tunic. A while later, after some muffled arguments coming from the bush, she reappeared, dragging the princess behind her. "Found her."  
Zelda hardly fit the dress perfectly, and the jacket greatly confused her. Her face looked more calm now that she had talked to Li, and was wearing clothes instead of a towel. But the look on her face when she saw Link was that of the person from the broomclosit, running to hide in a bush.  
Li saw this, and she quickly grabbed the princess by the wrists. Zelda struggled, and Roy and Cloud looked up, baffled.  
"Roy, help me hold her!" barked Li, losing her grip.  
Roy cautiously grabbed the insane girl firmly. "Sorry, princess, but we need to get you some help." She looked up at him.  
"Roy?"  
"Huh? Do I know you?"  
"OMG, IT'S ROY!" Zelda tackled him. "OMG, I'M LIKE SUCH A BIG FAN! CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?"  
She looked up just in time to see Li coming over. WHAM! "GET. OFF. MY. ROY. YOU. STUPID. BLOND."  
"Owe! owe! owe!-"  
Cloud picked up both girls bodily and both were still flaililng at eachother in midair. Li was shouting some words that would boggle my sensor bar, so I think you can just use your imagination.


	15. Chapter 15

1Sephiroth was very upset. He was at the moment looking for a hamburger that he had promised the Demon King. After the embarassment of having a blubber thing chucked at him, he was now helping the one who had chucked it to fill his overly large stomach. And in knowing the Demon King's real name, he had been disturbed to find that this was not, in fact, a truly evil creature, just incdredibly stupid.  
"So, Charles, what again does a "hamburger" look like? Is it an animal? Perhaps a desert?"  
"You don't know what a hamburger is? What do you eat? Hamburgers are like an important part of my life!"  
"Well, truth be known, I do rather like chocolate pie."  
"Ooh, that sounds good. But hamburgers are the best."  
"What are hamburgers though?"  
The Demon King spent several minutes explaining to Sephiroth exactly how a hamburger is made, what it looks like, and finally, what a cow is.  
"Wow," said Sephiroth. "But that's just brilliant. You murder an animal and then cook it's insides in a deep fryer, meanwhile dooming your arteries. It's perfectly evil. We shall have to find one of these so I can try it."  
"You lost me on the word brilan- brillin- borilalant. . ."

They walked through Mario Land, all the while slashing random squishy things. At one point they ran into a blooper, causing Sephiroth to scream like he was posessed and chop it into a million pieces. Finally, Sephiroth saw something that nearly made him faint. It was something that he had been deprived of for far too long.  
Up ahead was a large black castle. It reeked of the word evil. Towers with no windows were covered in iron spikes, and in place of a simple flag on the pole there was a piece of cloth shaped like a head. The head had a spiky black collar and the face of destruction. The two visitors were positively delighted.  
"It's like. . . pure destruction," said the Demon King incredulously.

"What's incrudly- incuredler- ink- ink-"  
-Shut up. throws goomba at Demon King-  
"Owe!"

"It's the only thing in this place that isn't either marshmellows or stupid fat blobs." Sephiroth came up and stared at a large metal spike lovingly.  
"I agree." The Demon King tried to process an idea for a moment. "Hey, wait a second. . . ?"  
The door swung open freely and welcomed them with an eerie sqeek. Inide it was dark and cold, with a red velvet carpet covering the hallways. Guards covered in spiks, with red glowing eyes, awaited them.  
Sephiroth saw them and became wary. "Hello. . ." He stepped up toward one of them.  
The guard looked very tired. He pulled out a notecard. "Are you a freind/prisinor of the lord Bowser?" he read.  
"Yes. Sure. Of course," replied Sephiroth.  
"Okay," said the guard. "Carry on then."


	16. Chapter 16

1Li was truding along the endless fields and forests of Hyrule very sulkily. She had a lantern, but the darkness was still there. Zelda was getting less insane now, and she had taken up a conversation with Cloud once she realized that liking Roy was bad for her health. But somehow Li was still upset. She couldn't put a finger on it. Finally, she heard a growling sound and realized that she was hungry.  
"Where can we get some food?" asked Li.  
"Where are we?" asked Zelda.  
Cloud stared at them. "We're wandering in the middle of a forest. Where do you expect to find any form of food?"

-zappedy-

Li walked around a corner and saw a building. The large neon sign on the front said "The Rock". It was a pub. "There," said Li. "Good enough for you?"  
Cloud stood baffled. "Bu-bu-bu-"  
Roy looked dubious but decided to go inside anyway. Zelda looked relieved.  
Inside it was dimly lit. The walls were covered in rocks. The ceiling looked like it was marble. Up near the front were several gorons with drinks. Li walked up to a waiter. "Can we get some seats sir?"  
"Why certainly. That'll be 40 rupees for a table."  
Li looked at her money. She had 7 rupees. She looked over at Link, who should by now have backed away but simply looked stupid as usual.  
"Link, give me 40 rupees!" Li mugged Link for his money. "30 rupees. Not enough." She looked over at the rest of them.  
Zelda sighed. "I have 10 rupees. Here." She handed Li 7 of them.  
The waiter took the money and walked away. Shortly afterwards two families of gorons came in and were told the tables were free.  
They sat down at the table. The chairs were enormous, and on the table was a small basket full of pebbles. It looked like a bread basket.  
The waitor returned. They ordered the house special without glancing at the menue and one drink each, though Li had never drank before. She was more worried about the bill. That being said, when she saw a goron had left his wallet on the table while he talked to a girl, Li wasted no time on the opportunity.  
Link started making weird popping sounds.  
"Link, stop it!"  
Link stopped. He started juggling the pebbles instead.  
"Grr. When will the food get here!"  
The waitor returned with their order: a very large stone platter holding what appeared to be small, round, greyish rocks. "We collect the plates," informed the waitor, as if they might do something with it. Cloud looked over to see a goron woman about to bite a chunk out of her plate, and her husband telling her not to.  
"Well," said Li, "at least the drinks are making everything fuzzy. I don't think I want to know what reality looks like any more." She took a large gulp.  
Link looked dubiously at the main course and put one in his mouth. He let out a painful yelp when the rock met with his teath.  
Li asked the waitor if there were any inns nearby and was told that the bar also offered an inn upstairs. They finished and went upstairst to order rooms.  
"50 rupees per room per day," recited the goron unenthusiastically.

Demon King: "Unenethicallie- Uthenicly- Sctnyllys-"-How do you say a word with 9 vowels in a row?-

"Darnit!" said Li, digging into the stolen wallet. "Only 120 rupees. Enough for two rooms."  
Zelda, who had been leaning closer to a frightened Cloud, said, "I'll share a room with him." She smiled mischieviously.

"Misuchiv- Vilimiks- Miskivilinny-"  
-SHUT UP! _WHAM_-  
"Ouchies!"

Li looked at her with revoltion. "Okay, boys in one room, girls in the other." She glanced at Link. "Which room does that put him in?"  
"Link can sleep outside," replied Cloud.  
"Lock him in a closet," said Zelda.  
"Who cares?" exclaimed Roy. "I'm tired."


	17. Chapter 17

1A lone goomba sat on a bench. She was waiting for the love of her life to get there. She had never met him, but she suspected that if he truly loved her he would come and sit on the bench beside her. Unfortunately, she never met her supposed love before she was killed by being hit in the head with a blooper. This blooper was extremely traumatised, and covered in random slash marks, but it lived. It vowed to revenge the one who had wacked it so far into the distance without saying "I'm sorry."

The Demon King was in the lead, wanering around aimlessly. He checked all the doors they came by, but most were locked. The ones that were not locked so far consisted of a broom closit and a dungeon. They found another door on the hallway that was mysteriously unlocked.  
Sephiroth opened the door handle and fell twitching to the floor. The Demon King hurried to see what it was. "Did you find a hamburger?"  
He joined Sephiroth in twitching on the floor, and accidentally sat on his arm and nearly crushed it. The room was truly aweful. It was covered from wall to wall in pink. Pink ceiling, pink curtains, pink girly bed, pink dress hanging in pink closet, and a pink vase with pink roses in it sitting on a pink table. Shall I continue?

Everyone: "NO!"

"I don't understand," said Sephiroth. "This place is so evil, so wonderfully cruel and cold. And yet this room. . ."  
Sephiroth nodded agreement. "Whose room is this anyway?"  
"Dunno," said the Demon King. "The sign on the door says "Peach". They must like peaches."  
Sephiroth made a face. "I hate peaches. They're pink."

They decided to run for it, for some unexplained reason.

-This is getting boring. I want something to happen. Zap-

Sephiroth was in the lead. He was running full-tilt down the hallway, not seeing where he was going.

-Yes, that's it, just fall in. . .-

He skidded to a halt just short of running into something large and round and colorless.

-No! You moron!-

"What's that thing?" asked the Demon King.  
"I don't know. It looks like a portal." Sephiroth poked it. His finger went through. He looked on the other side. There was no other side. "Woah, weird."  
"Let me see." the Demon King poked it. Same. He poked it again. "Ooh, this is cool." He poked it again.

They decided to do this for another few hours, poke, stare, poke, poke, stare, driving the author insane.


	18. Chapter 18

1Li woke up in a good mood. She had the most splitting headache, and it was taking her mind off of everything else. This was then contradicted when she did notice a piece of wood on the floor.  
"D'arvit!" She bent down and saw that it was a very large piece of wood. In fact, it looked like a very familiar piece of wood. "It's Link's three sided sign." She picked it up. It was blank.  
Li smiled evilly. This was going to be fun. She tried to write something on the sign with a rock, but it wouldn't dent it. Li figured that it could tell what she wanted it to say. This made a lot of sense at the time.

Link heard a nock at the door and hurried to open it. He saw Li with a big grin on her face. "Good morning!" Link said brightly. "You sure do look happy!"  
Li held up the sign, and it said, "Loser." She flipped it again to say, "Go jump off a bridge." Finally, she flipped it again to reveal the word, "Loser." Li frowned. She flipped it again. "Go jump off a bridge." This wasn't right. She wanted it to say, "Haha I stole your sign" on the third side.  
Link thought this was very amusing. Li gritted her teeth and threw the sign on the stone floor and shattered it. It made a very loud banging sound.  
"Oh no," said Link. "It looks like you broke Zelda's 3-sided sign. At least I still have my sign."  
Li twitched. "This. isn't. yours?"  
"Well, I liked mine so much that I gave Zelda one for her birthday."  
Upon hearing this, Li decided to flee. "Run!" She flew down the hallway and ran into Zelda, who fell over on her back.  
"What was all that noise?" asked Zelda angrily. She started to go toward the boys' room.  
"Uh, nothing! Nothing at all. Just erm. . . the boys. They're so annoying, eh. Nothing that you need to worry about-"  
Zelda had opened the door. She shook her head in confusion. "Is that-"  
Li thought fast. It was all that saved her skin. "Link's sign! He broke it!" She gave Link a warning look that he missed. "Link, you moron!"  
Link looked very confused, but just as he was about to open his mouth, Zelda said, "Oh goddesses. This is all so stupid. Lets just go find Ganon."

Li had saved herself just in time, and while they were getting ready she stole Link's sign and put it in Zelda's bag. Nobody seemed to notice or care. They were headed somewhere, supposedly toward Ganon. The more obvious fault in this plan was that they didn't know where he was. The less obvious fault was that they were going in circles.  
"I think we're going in circles," said Link after several hours of walking through the same forest. "And there are an aweful lot of empty forests and fields in Hyrule it seems."  
Li tripped and fell on Roy, who had stopped in his tracks. Zelda fainted and then recovered very quickly to shout at Cloud for not catching her. Cloud was making a very odd sound and swaying with his tongue sticking out.  
"You- just- said- something- smart," stuttered Roy, beneath Li. "It's like the whole world is turned upside-down."  
Everyone else agreed. Link agreed too. He shook his head and smiled stupidly. "Wow, they like me!"  
Zelda smacked him and he was quiet for a record-breaking 5 minutes. Li started directing them in a diffirent direction for a while, and they finally started getting somewhere. In fact, they were headed for a cave.  
"I get the feeling we should go in the cave," said Link.  
Li tripped and fell on Roy, who had stopped in his- Oh, whatever, you know the basic idea. Anyway, they were incredibly surprised again. Then they got over it and started heading toward the cave.


	19. Chapter 19

1Inside the cave Link got attacked by some fire bats, and Cloud saved him, much to everyone's dismay. Then they went into a room. And another room. Wait-there are no rooms, scratch that. They went into a tunnel. Then another tunnel. Anyway, this story is getting way too boring so just cut to the point. I'm sick of them wandering through endless forests doing nothing demmit.

-skips multiple scenes of them wandering through cave-

So there he was before them, the great Ganon-

"Hey wait a second," said Li. "You can't just skip to the end like that."  
-watch me.-

So there he was before them, the great Ga-

"But-but that's just wrong."  
-Would you rather I tell you about how you wondered through the cave telling Link to shut up for 2 hours?-  
"Mumblemumble. . ."

So there he was before them, the great Ganon, huddled in a corner giggling like a deranged toddler, holding a rubber duck. He was quite obviously insane, from the grin on his face to his feet, one covered in a bunny slipper.  
Li tripped and fell on Roy, who- okay, you get it.  
Then they heard the most horrifying sound that had yet reached an ear in the entire universe.  
"Twinkuw, tinkle, wittle star!" Ganon gave a stomach-churning high-pitched giggle, and everyone's ears took a stand and sued the author together on the basis of assault.  
"Aaa!"  
"Arrg!"  
"Nooo!"  
"Yay!" said Link, and clapped enthusiastically.**  
**

So, once again, Sephiroth and the Demon King are poking the portal. It has been about 8 hours as far as I can tell, and they are still in Mario Land poking a portal.  
All the sudden, they were caught by surprize by a deranged blooper running up the hallway. It-

"Now wait just a second!" shouted Li. "Bloopers can't walk! They can't even move out of water."  
-Well, I was getting to that.-

It was in a thought-controlled fish bowl with wheels, moving at a rappid pace.

Li rolled her eyes, then got hit in the head with a goomba and passed out.

The enraged blooper moved up toward the two evil- um- things and pushed hard.  
"Gyaaaa!" They fell through a time/space portal and into a place far away. Finally.


	20. Chapter 20

1They were paralized. It seemed as if our protagonists had no chance of escape, then out of nowhere, about 5 feet over Ganon's head, appeared two figures. One of them was enormous, landing very hard on top of Ganon and most likely killing him. The other managed to land on his feet on top of the other, then leaped majestically to the ground.  
Li tripped and fell on Roy, wh- oh whatever. Anyway, they were vey surprised. Wonder why.  
Zelda looked up at the second figure posessively. Li shivered. Cloud, unexpectedly, shouted, "Evrybody run!" and ran into a wall and nocked himself out. Nobody was very sure why.  
The smaller figure, by no means small compared to anyone but the first figure, smiled evilly. "Why thank you, my adversary. I was going to attempt to kill you, but you seem more easily defeated than I thought."  
Cloud woke up, with Sephiroth standing over him. "Who am I?" he said faintly. He imagined that the person standing over him had just rescued him. "You have really cool hair."  
Sephiroth looked stunned. "Nobody has every given me a compliment before." He looked down at Cloud with a sparkle in his eyes.  
"You're really hot!" shouted Zelda, but he didn't seem to hear.  
"You have really cool hair too," said Sephiroth, helping Cloud up to his feet. The two stood there a second, then started smooching.  
"Eewe."  
gag  
"Huh?"  
"Noooooo!"

They finally broke appart the love scene in an attempt to save their sanity, to find that it was too late. So Sephiroth and Cloud were satisfied holding hands for the moment, and everyone was at least partially spared.

"But wait," said Li uncertainly. "This can't be the end of the story. The title says Bob Link the 5th. Well. . . we never figured out who that was." She stopped. "Wait, no, I don't wanna know!"  
"Oh," said Sephiroth, "He's right behind you."  
"Aaw," said Link.  
Roy looked upset. "Do you know like everyone's name or something?"  
"Why of course." He looked upward. "Heron."  
-What the- why isn't it blocked by the sensor bar?-  
Finds sensor bar sitting on the beach drinking lemonaide. Shoves it back in the story  
"And Li's real name is K- aaaah!" Sephiroth got attacked by the sensor bar, and Roy hoped Sephiroth would never reveal _his_ real name.  
"Ack- Robert- ack- Tweed- ack- Jr.- cough Help!"  
"Darnit."


	21. Chapter 21

1Merry xmas:D

"I'm Jewish," said Sephiroth.  
"What's an xmas?" asked Link.

-For a special holiday surprise, I'm giving you all presents!-  
"Yay, presents!" said Link.  
Li covered her eyes and moaned. "I'm afraid."  
-As well you should be. Now, first is. . . Cloud! Here you go!-  
Cloud looked at the box of chocolate. "I'm on a diet."  
-Oh well. Next is. . . Sephiroth!-  
"What the-" He looked dubiously at the pink teddy bear.  
-Next is the Demon King!-  
"Wow, bandages, I could use that after you pushed me 5 FEET TO THE GROUND!"  
-Aaand, Link!-  
"Yay!" shouted Link as he looked down at a rock. "What a great present!" He then attempted to eat it.  
-Here you go Roy!-  
"Um. . . a potted giant venus fly trap. How um. . . ouch! thoughtful."  
-This one's for Zelda!-  
"OMG!" shouted Zelda. "It's a teen magazine!" She saw a picture of Cloud and hugged it.  
-And finally. . . Merry xmas Li!-  
Li's eyes widened. "Wow, it's a sword!" She tried to pick it up and dropped the hilt on her foot. "Gya!"  
-But I feel generous. zappedy-  
Li tried to pick it up once more, and to her surprize it was incredibly lighter. "Thank you!"  
-And I was running low on zappedy power, so I used the power out of Link's 3 sided sign.-  
"I thought he broke his," said Zelda.  
Li looked around nervously. "Uh. . . erm. . ."  
"Grrr- Gya!"  
"Ouch- no- owe! Please- stop- ouchies!"


End file.
